Tees2Greens on Golf

1991 was the beginning of the rollercoaster ride. John Daly, the chain-smoking, hard drinking kid from Arkansas had just escaped from the obscurity of being the ninth alternate to win the PGA Championship at Crooked Stick. Life was good and the rollercoaster was just starting up the first hill.

He was Cinderella in spikes, an overnight success with a bowl haircut. The crowds loved him because they shared the same mantra: hit it harder. Sponsors also loved him and lined up at his door begging him to take their millions and millions of dollars. Still climbing that first hill he took the money and never looked back, or forward for that matter.

Soon after his rollercoaster topped that first hill came the wives, the booze and the gambling, and for a while it appeared that he might be that ever-popular one trick pony, but youth was on his side. He seemed strong enough and talented enough to survive more bad decisions than Robert Downey, Jr., and he was, for a while.

Then, with every reason to fail, somehow, some way John Daly won the 1995 British Open; and the rollercoaster approached the second hill. We never doubted you big John, here’s another million, a new wife, and a free room at any hotel in Las Vegas where they never say no.

From that point on there have been a few more wins and several more hills on his rollercoaster ride, each one smaller that the preceding one, but that’s the way rollercoasters work. The crowds still came, some for the thrill of seeing someone like John hit the ball nine miles, but others came to see the car wreck called John Daly. His weight flucuated wildly as did his drinking, gambling and marital life. One ex-wife even went to jail, if I recall correctly.

John’s last win was 2004 Buick Open six years ago. Since then he’s lost his card, his money and the youth that he rode so hard. In 2009, John spent much of his time in Europe where he played in 10 events and actually finished tied for second at the BMW Italian Open. In the words of Toby Keith, “I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as good one time as I ever was,” or something like that.

In the middle of all this, he’s gone under the knife for lap-band surgery and dropped a hundred pounds, which is a lot easier than going on a diet and going to the gym, but I digress.

In 2010 John Daly is living on sponsor money (yes there are still a few hanging around) and sponsor exemptions. He hasn’t made a cut this year, and frankly he might have a hard time beating your club champion, but he still draws a crowd because he’s famous.

After a particularly poor outing last week John announced, "I'm done.” Egged on by a Golf Channel producer asking with what, John responded “With golf. I just can't do it anymore," Daly went on. "I'm tired of embarrassing myself."

However, by late Friday Daly was twittering, "I never said retirement.” By Saturday afternoon, his agent confirmed that Daly isn't retiring. Very Favre-ish.

One of the saddest sights in sports is an athlete who doesn’t know when to retire. Even sadder is when an athlete like John Daly knows when to retire but can’t because he believed that the money was never going to end and now he owes everyone in town.

Sadly John Daly’s rollercoaster ride is almost over. The hills ahead are not big enough to raise your hands for, it’s simply time to hold on to the bar so you don’t fall out. But don’t feel sorry for John Daly, he had his time in the sun, and even though you and I may think he blew it, the truth is we don’t know if he did or not.

I saw a story some years ago about a Brinks armored car driver who absconded with something like 5 million dollars. They found him eleven months later totally broke. When asked what he did with the money he smiled the biggest smile I had ever seen and said, “I spent it.”

I always wondered if he played golf?

As you read this I will be in sunny Florida at the PGA Merchandise Show. I’m staying in a $300 room at the Rosen Center Hotel next door to the convention center. If I were actually somebody important, I’d be staying in a $450 room at the Peabody, which is across the street, but that’s another story.

I mention the cost of the rooms not to impress you, but to make a point about how crazy costs are at events like this. There is a semi-pervasive attitude at these things that costs are not important because the company is paying, so it’s okay to pay $300 for a room that would cost $150 or $200 back home.

While I’m exposing my cheapness, why is it that you can stay in a Motel 6 and receive free Internet and my $300 room charges me an extra $10 a day for that service?

Speaking of cheap, I’ve attended the show for the last ten or fifteen years mainly because someone else has paid, and if you have learned anything about me since I invaded this space it is that I rarely pay for anything, and once again that is true. But I’m not alone; the lobby bar at the Rosen is standing room only with guys who have less reason to be there than I do. It’s a Confederacy of Dunces, dressed in company clothes with official-looking credentials hanging around their necks. Some are selling, some are buying and some are looking for a job. Me? I’m doing all three.

The PGA Merchandise Show in Orlando is an odd bird. While it is fun to check out all the new stuff, I also use it as a barometer for how the golf business is doing. Last year the atmosphere was fearful; the banks were going broke faster than the golf courses and nobody was signing any long-term leases.

As it turned out, everyone’s fears were justified as sales in the retail golf business fell as much as 30 to 40 percent in 2009. The truth is, even if you would like to help the economy, you’d be dumb to buy a new set of clubs if you’re worried about losing your job, so you re-grip and make due.

This week’s Farmers Insurance Open, or what used to be the Buick Open, is another indication of how the year went. It’s hard to believe that they used to say, “What’s good for General Motors is good for America.” Paybacks are hell, and paybacks for fifty years of sleeping at the wheel are often fatal. But the Buick Open is not the first golf tournament to lose a sponsor and it won’t be the last; the question is has anyone at General Motors learned a lesson?

When you hear of the PGA Merchandise Show you naturally think of shiny new golf clubs, and there are a lot of those here to be sure, but like your local pro-shop, the PGA Merchandise Show has become a soft-goods show. I never actually measured, but I’ll bet half of the display area is clothing. One of the things that retailers have discovered is that selling golf shirts requires little if any training, therefore your local pro-shop has become a glorified bright colored shirt store.

In addition to clothes, there is a ton of golf crap. A couple of years ago I told you about the guy who invented the fake golf club that served as a portable urinal. There, years ago, I did a video on Loud Mouth clothes; you know that ugly stuff that John Daly is wearing these days. Then there was the potty-Putter, which makes me believe that there is nothing too stupid for the American investor.

I’ve talked to several manufacturers that plan on attending this year’s show and generally their attitude is better than last year. Maybe recessions are organic and every twenty years we need one to remind us that $450 hotel rooms are a bad idea for the most part.

If I see something totally cool, I’ll post it ASAP, and if I get something free… well I guess I’ll keep it.

Because you know how much I love the FedEx Cup, I feel it’s my duty to report that Geoff Ogilvy and Ryan Palmer are leading the FedEx Cup with 500 points. I can hardly wait for the playoffs.

Speaking of playoffs, the FedEx Cup won’t be breaking for the Ryder Cup this year, instead they’re delaying the Ryder Cup until October 1st. You think the weather is unpredictable in Scotland in July, wait until you catch the weather in Newport, Wales in October.

Oh, well. We’ll always have Sony Open and Waialae in January. If you missed Geoff Ogilvy last week he headed home for the birth of his third child. Geoff said he expects to play in the Accenture Match Play Championship in late February, but that’s another story.

As I was perusing the field of last week’s Sony Open, it occurred to me that there are more Boo’s, Bubba’s and Bo’s than Sam’s in the field. There’s also a Chad, Charlie and Chez, but only one Bob, one Billy and one Bill. I saw a Kaname, Daisuke, Ryuichi, Retief and ViJay, four John’s and one Jonathan, but no Sam’s.

Just for the record, who names a kid Briny, Brian, Blake, Brendon, Brenden, Brett, or Bryce when they could have named him Sam? And what about Y. E., W. C., D. A., D. J., T. J. and K. J.; Those aren’t even really names, are they?

At least Shigeki, Fredrik, Jesper and Henrik have an excuse; they’re all from who knows where, but Bubba is an American. Why didn’t his daddy just call him Hick?

I’m telling you, if we don’t do something fast the PGA field is going to start sounding like As The World Turns, which reminds me that Parker, Lucas, Brad, Ryan, Harrison, Tadd, and Derek will all be playing this week. And don’t forget Alex, Roland, Garth, Rory, Jason, Dean and Shane.

Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio, and where are all the manly names like Sam?

In Indonesia all male first children have the same name, as do all second male children and so on and so forth. In other words, if you’re a first child your name is Tom the same as your next-door neighbor’s first male child. Granted, this caused a bit of a problem when they are calling roll at school, but it’s all worth it because they have no Parkers, or Tadds, or Chezs do deal with.

Perhaps the American Indians have the best idea naming a child after the first thing they see, like Sitting Bull, Running Deer, Tall Tree or Dances With Wolves, but then again having the first name Sitting, Running, Tall or Dances is not all that appealing. But I digress.

So, here’s my message to parents all over the world; let’s get back to basics. I know all of my Japanese readers who are with child may be considering naming their next male child Shigeki, but I’m asking you to reconsider and name him Sam. The same goes for you Swedes, Danes, Koreans, English and Aussies. I know there is tremendous pop-culture pressure to name your next male child Jesper, or Fredrik, or Y. E., or Monty, or Geoff, but you must fight this with all your heart.

I’m not asking for a Bubba, or a Woody, or even a Joe, just one more Sam on Tour. Is that too much to ask?

There is something strange about starting the golf season with half of the U.S. freezing and 49 percent just plain cold. The one percent not freezing is Kapalua, Hawaii; luckily that is where they are playing the SBS Championship.

Getting to tee it up the first week of the season is pretty special. The invites for the SBS Championship are tossed around like manhole covers; win and you’re in otherwise you’ll be forced to wait for the Sony Open just down the street at Waialae (why do all Hawaiian words have three As?). Geoff Ogilvy took the prize money last year and before that Stuart Appleby won it ten times in a row… Okay, it was three times, but seems like ten.

I’ve never played Kapalua, hell, I run out of As trying to spell it, but it appears to be one of those resort courses with wide fairways and greens the size of a Texas dancehall. I don’t know what the green fees are, but I expect it’s north of 300 bills, but that’s another story.

To get the year started off right, I’m here to complain about the length of the seasons, not the golf season, but sports seasons in general. There once was a time, not too long ago, when sports seasons sort of made sense. Baseball filled the days of summer and you strapped on the football pads when the air turned crisp. Hockey and basketball were cold weather sports and soccer and tennis were played when there was nothing good on TV.

Most of the early golf season was a warm up for Pebble Beach and the Masters. Everything made sense. 

Now, here we are in the first week of the golf season and the football season is only half over. The World Series ran into November, the Super Bowl is being played in February, the NBA basketball playoffs will be going until May or June… what’s a sports fan to do?

I don’t know about you, but I’m still eating turkey sandwiches and in 30 days the Winter Olympics are starting and I’ll be growing my Apollo Ohno soul patch.

I’m from Texas so I have to be a football fan, but Football seems to be the worst season poacher. The Dallas Cowboys off-season workouts start the day after the Super Bowl. There are five pre-season games and there’s talk of adding two more games to the regular season. At this rate, they will be playing the Super Bowl during the Masters.

College is no better. The last BCS Bowl is January 7th. So much for the student athlete.

So, what is this season stretching all about? Why do good college football teams play 14 games and bad ones play less… don’t the bad ones need the practice more? Why is the NFL contemplating an 18 game season? While we’re at it, why did the PGA create the Players and FedEx Cup? For the fans, right; and if you believe that I’ve got some oceanfront property near downtown Dallas I’d like to show you.

The rich and powerful people and the ivy-covered academics that control sports need to check their fans as often as they check their checkbooks. Nobody except your CFO really wants the last BCS bowl on January 7th, or the Super Bowl in February, or the World Series in November. The golden goose has a pulled hamstring and the fans, even the crazy, fanatic fans are ODing.

… and golf guys, enough of the silly season already.

For 2010 I predict beans in Boston, Eskimos in Alaska and Tiger in divorce court. So much for the obvious. I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of keeping count of how many women pass through the Tiger turnstile, but more than that, I hate the fact that Tiger’s off course shenanigans ended up being the number one story in golf in 2009. As I said a couple of weeks ago, I don’t care if Tiger is dating the entire cast of Momma Mia; however I do care that Tiger has stolen the thunder from so many great stories in 2009.

So, in no particular order, here is some well-deserved thunder.

Tom Watson and Stewart Cink

I loved watching Tom Watson trying to turn back the clock at the British Open. I hated that he looked like me when he missed the eight-foot putt on the 72nd hole, and somehow I knew that he had invested too much in the previous 71 holes to survive the playoff.

I felt sorry for the Open winner Stewart Cink. Even though he slept with the Claret Jug under his pillow that night, he knew that most of the people watching wanted Tom to win. Life is hard and 53 year-old guys don’t make that putt no matter how much we want them to.

Angel Cabrera, Kenny Perry and Chad Campbell

I enjoyed watching Angel Cabrera, Kenny Perry and Chad Campbell at the Masters. It seemed like some kind of manifest destiny when Cabrera survived two terrible shots on the first playoff hole and somehow managed to get up and down, and then, unlike Tom Watson, one hole later he was trying on a green jacket sized 44 stout.

This is Cabrera’s second major and he is rapidly becoming one of my favorites. Great talent, great power, and he looks like he is having a great time. I like that.

Lucas Glover, David Duval and Ricky Barns

It’s hard being the next big thing, but that’s what Lucas Glover has been for four or five years now. He had a great 2005 winning the FUNAI Classic as well as racking up six other top tens to boot. Since then he spent four years trying to figure out whatever happened to his game.  Well, at the 2009 U.S. Open he figured it out. He also had second and third-place finishes, finished 17th in the FedExCup standings, was a Captain's Pick for The Presidents Cup team and earned more than $3.5 million.

There was a strange masochistic faction that wanted David Duval or Ricky Barns to steal Lucas’ thunder, but it was not to be. Still, even with the U.S. Open win, Lucas Glover is not a household name and for some reason I doubt that he ever will be, but as Rick said to Ilsa, “We’ll always have Paris” and Lucas will always be the 2009 U.S. Open Champion.

Y. E. Yang

Fellow Dallasite Y. E. Yang very unexpectedly became the first Asian-born player to win a major, and he did it with Tiger breathing down his neck, on one of the great golf courses in the world, Hazeltine. Here’s a guy that didn’t pick up a golf club until he was 19 years old and suddenly he’s holding the Wanamaker trophy. It’s the American dream with Korean sub-titles.

By the way, Yang’s victory marked the first time that Tiger Woods failed to win a major after holding at least a share of the lead at the end of 54 holes. Tiger was so disappointed that later that night it took twelve cocktail waitresses to console him.

Padraig Harrington

Imagine that you’ve won three of the last six majors, which I suppose also means that you have lost three of the last six majors. I can only assume that was the logic for this Irish lad to come to the conclusion that he should change his golf swing.

Starting the 2009 season with the rules for his new swing still taped to the side of his golf bag, Padraig promptly missed six cuts in his first 14 tournaments and had only one top twenty; still he persevered. Were this a movie Padraig would have then won his next 14 tournaments, and rode off into the sunset with the girl… yeah, right.

However, all was not lost. Padraig finished 2009 new swing still in place, with six-straight top-10s, including two runner-up finishes at the World Golf Championships-Bridgestone Invitational and The Barclays. I can’t imagine what Padraig would have done to his swing had he won four or five of the last six majors.

Anthony Kim

The biggest non-story of the year was Anthony Kim going winless in 2009. Anthony may not be the next big anything and if that turns out to be the case he will only have Anthony Kim to blame. The way I hear it was that Anthony’s first year was hindered by too much party and not enough practice. In 2008, with a new agent and new endorsements in the bank, Anthony turned it around to the tune of two wins and several million bucks.

I don’t really know if 2009 was a return to more party than practice, but hopefully there was a lesson in there somewhere for Anthony. However, I’m sure of one thing, the lesson is not to buy more diamond studded buckles.

I’ve heard it said that youth is often wasted on the young and sometimes we forget that being young and talented is not the same as being young and mature… just ask me. I’m also an expert on being young and ugly, young and stupid and young and talentless.

2009 was a great year for golf, and I may never forgive Tiger for making everyone forget that.

This is a true story I wrote several years ago. Granted, it’s not “It’s a Wonderful Life” and Jimmy Stewart I’m not, but it’s the closes thing on these pages to a tradition. Happy Holidays.

The logic seemed sound; I would surprise my wife with new golf clubs and lessons. It would be a great Christmas gift that she would use to gain an appreciation for the beauty and difficulty of the great game. Ultimately, that appreciation would translate into playing only when we were on vacation and in the meantime she would return to shoe shopping with a carefully crafted understanding of why I’m playing golf instead of retiling the bathroom. Perhaps I didn’t think it through.

And, the look on her face on Christmas morning quickly confirmed that fact.  In her defense, I should say that she is not a violent woman, but had she been, I could visualize her beating me to death with a brand-new Ping five-iron that fateful Christmas morning. Obviously, her grip would have been a little strong because she had not taken her lesson as yet, but I would have been just as dead.

Perhaps the situation was exacerbated by the sheer size of the package and the stupid smile on my face; but trust me, after a woman wrestles a giant package to the ground looking for who knows what and finds you know what, she is not very happy.  In all likelihood, the situation was made worse because I had just opened her package to me containing a $2,000 Giorgio Armani jacket that I had coveted for months. Don’t get me wrong, I love golf, but Armani defiantly trumps Ping.

So, where is the lesson here? Is it to never buy your wife golf clubs and lesson for Christmas, or is there a bigger more profound message to be learned?  The answer is “yes” to both questions, but there is also a tactical question at hand.  Remember the circumstance; there I was on Christmas morning; I had just snap-hooked my drive into the deep woods. The easy thing to do would be to pitch it back into the fairway, take my punishment and move on, but I didn’t get to where I am by laying up, so I took dead aim through the trees and let it fly. Then, as the tears welled-up in her eyes, I boldly announced that her first golf lesson would be in Cabo San Lucas.

It was like watching a great golf shot as her arms went around my neck. I saw the ball emerge from the hazard, land softly on the green and roll to within two-feet of the hole for an easy birdie.  Granted, I could have gone for an emotional eagle but that would have likely cost me a trip to Europe.

Okay, I hear you.  It was a bad premise to begin with because I really don’t want to play golf with my wife or any other woman for that matter. It is not because it is a sacred game as much as it is because golf resides in a sacred place called “guy-time,” that most sacred of all places where we scratch, spit and cuss at will.  It is that place where your best friend nickname describes at least one of his inadequacies.  It is that holiest of places where you don’t care if your shirt is wrinkled or has a Gatorade stain down the front, or, you have terminal hat-hair; those things have zero importance in Guy-time.

In a world filled with equal rights, women executives, and unisex barbershops, guy-time is in danger.  Once safe bastions of manhood such as golf, football and fishing are under attack and in grave danger of being neutered. The enemy of guy-time is women with their never-ending list of domestic chores and “us-time.” Mow the grass, fix the sink, and turn on the TV and watch “Dancing With The Stars” with me; is there no end to this assault?

Reading the latest golf stats, perhaps it is too late for you and me. The number of people playing golf is not growing.  The simple answer is to make sure that you teach your son the great game of golf, and if that fails invite a NASCAR guy to play.

These are desperate times.

A dedicated reader and professional golf junky recently sent this product review to me, and with Christmas at hand I thought I would pass it a long. I checked and no one received any money or any free stuff for this review… although if Sonic Golf wants to send me money I’d take it.
 
When I first received the Sonic Golf Swing system I was just as skeptical as ever, but you know me...if it’s after 2 am and the infomercial says I can be a better golfer, I am calling and ordering!

Being a complete golf junky, I have basically seen every golf swing aid ever created. From the PGA merchandise show to homemade devices, I really have tried everything at least once!

Now Sonic Golf is a bit different but it takes on the same persona as some swing aids from the past and gives it a new spin, look and feel. And it uses sound and motion to help ingrain a better swing!

Teaching golf has, for the most part, relied on a teacher examining a person’s golf swing and focusing on the faults and trying to put needed changes into a perspective that each student can understand. Easier said than done! With Sonic Golf you can actually use sound to help your body understand the feel of a perfectly timed golf swing which is a tremendously helpful thing for both student and teacher and with this device you can actually practice these moves on your own to perfect your own swing.

Contents Include: (I got the basic edition for this test drive, but they do have a Pro Edition and Solo Edition. For more information on those packages please visit sonicgolf.com)

• One RX-1 Receiver
• One SX-1 Transmitter
• 2 Golf Pride Grips
• One Roll of Golf Tape
• One Belt Clip
• Instruction DVD (mine did not work, but the web site has good information as well)
• Getting Started Guide

Set up is a bit tricky and if you have not been well instructed in changing grips you may (as Sonic Golf suggests) take the equipment over to your local club fitter and have him/her put the grip on and fit the device onto the club. You will have to have the SX-1 Transmitter fit into the shaft of the club and secure it before you are ready to begin working with the device.

Once I got the club set-up I was ready to give the Sonic Golf system a whirl!
Sonic Golf is an audio feedback device and they would prefer you to use headphones while using the swing aid, it helps to hear the lower tones when swinging the device. I personally used my iPod buds, but the other editions come with earpieces.

Now that I have the club set up (I used a 5-iron) with the transmitter and the receiver in my back pocket I was ready and I must tell you it doesn’t get any easier than taking a few swings to get the device performing. You will hear low tones when swinging slow and higher tones when swinging faster.

Right from the start making my normal swing I noticed that my tempo was a bit slow and I was not accelerating the club at the proper point in my swing. One of the most important things in the golf swing is building consistency; we have all heard that many times before and Sonic Golf makes this as simple as repetition swinging and following the instructions of the training guide. Once you understand what you are going to be listening for and in what part of the swing, it’s very, very simple and the great thing is once you are ready you can actually hit balls while using the device. I thought it would be a hard to listen and hit balls but it really was not and the sounds keep you in tempo and concentrating on acceleration through impact. Swing fixed just like that! 

So watch out everyone…Sonic Golf has given me the quick fix I needed to get my feel, tempo and acceleration back in tune!

Oh and by the way, just in case you need any street cred for Sonic Golf… Vijay Singh used this device to help him win the 2008 Fed Ex Cup!

“Sonic Golf has helped me tremendously. I always had a good rhythm, but I never had a consistent rhythm. It’s making my swing a lot more consistent, not just with the driver but the whole game. It’s one rhythm for the whole game instead of having a quicker rhythm for irons or slower rhythm for the driver.”

– 2008 Fed Ex Cup Champion Vijay Singh

Nuff said!

Truthfully, I don’t care if Tiger Woods is shacked up with the entire cast of Momma Mia. Frankly, they deserve each other. The narcissistic behavior displayed by Tiger too often accompanies fame and fortune, just ask Bill Clinton. It is unfortunate that sometimes the rich and powerful forget the lessons of Julius Caesars who, to keep from getting too big for his toga, would have a servant ride with him in his chariot during triumphant parades through Roma whispering in his ear, “You are mortal great Caesar.”

Perhaps Bob Dylan was right when he said, “Money doesn’t talk it swears,” but of course Bob was already rich when he wrote that.

On the other hand, never being rich and famous myself, who’s to say how I would react sitting at such a tempting banquet table. At the very least, I hope I would be smart enough not to put my girlfriends’ phone numbers in my cell phone, but that’s another story.

I don’t feel sorry for Tiger even though the paparazzi have now taken up permanent residence at his front door. Paybacks are hell, just ask Jon & Kate. I do feel sorry for his wife, who by the way is better looking than any of the other women, but in Tiger’s case, narcissism is apparently not about who, but how many. What’s it up to now, 11?

Tiger’s kids are too young to know what’s going on, but at some point in the future Tiger will have to explain his actions. And, just in case you're listening, I suggest that posting a statement on your website is not a good way to explain why Mommy and Daddy are now sleeping in separate countries. For their sake, I hope their Tiger steps up to the plate and tells them what a moron he was. But frankly, there aren’t enough Spin Doctors on the planet to make this sound good to your kids.

My inside sources on this story, better known as the grocery store tabloids, tells me that if Elin Woods decides to walk she’ll get $50+ million, but if she stays two more years she’ll walk with $80 million, but who’s counting. I can’t imagine her staying, but “Heav'n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn'd.”

All of which got me thinking; what would I do for $50 million? But that’s another story as well.

Putting aside all of the trash TV, paparazzi, and muckrakers like myself, it ought to be interesting to watch Tiger deal with the hecklers as well as every hooker with the price of a tournament ticket. I can’t imagine what he is going to say to the millions of young kids that idolize him? Oh well, just another day in the NBA.

Will Tiger ever be the same, probably not, but I suspect that the golf world will forgive and forget what Tiger has done, because that’s what we do. After all, Bill Clinton is still running around the world collecting huge speaking fees, and Jimmy Swaggart is still on TV telling you how he’s been saved… again.  In the end this entire escapade will cost Tiger millions, but almost none of it will end up in the hands of the other women. Life is just not like that, and for some reason the other woman never understands that.  

I don’t know if Elin will leave Tiger. I suspect she will, but who knows, she may have aspirations to become Secretary of State herself. In any case, life and golf will go on, but make no mistake about it; Tiger’s game will suffer because he is no longer infallible. In clubhouses all over the world golfers are whispering, Tiger is human. And guess what?

We don’t like our gods, even our golf gods, to be human.

Not all that many years ago TPC Craig Ranch in McKinney, Texas, the site of one of the second round Q-School tournaments, was a cotton field with a nameless creek winding through it north to south. And except for that nameless creek bed, the TPC Craig Ranch is a treeless, long, grinding golf course that punishes hackers like me and rewards the long-hitters, but that’s another story.

As I parked not more than a hundred yards from the clubhouse, it struck me that were it not for all the PGA Officials scurrying around, this could have been a Members/Guest tournament at any country club. There were no barricades, no ropes, none of the lavish accoutrements that normally accompany regular season PGA Tour events. This was the argyle-covered underbelly of the PGA Tour. The pampering and money were one more round away. 

I had come to this place hoping to gain an insight into the pressure-cooker called Q-school; what I didn’t realize was that there were so many different stories. I saw players without caddies dressed in sponsorless golf shirts, carrying their own bags standing next to well-dressed veterans of the golf wars like Brenden Pappas with his caddie helping him read putts. Brenden made the cut, the sponsonless golf shirt guy didn’t.

There were young wives following young husbands and I watched them both live and die with every shot. I wanted to talk to one of the wives and ask what she was going through, but it seemed rude to invade those shared moments.

I watched the faces of family members and friends who had come to support their guy and saw how they shared both the excitement and the frustration. And I watched singular golfers, who like gypsy orphans, played alone without family or friends, and it didn’t look like any fun at all.

The first shot I saw was a flubbed chip shot, which was followed by a major expletive that would have garnered a fine had there been anyone around to hear it.  But there was only me.

I walked up the tenth fairway and watched a guy I never heard of drive the ball 30 yards past the other two players in his threesome, one of which was Paul Stankowski. Paul made the cut, long-ball guy didn’t.

I moved over to the twelfth green where I met T2G’s own Randy Smith, who happens to be Colt Knost’s coach. Colt’s entourage included his father, his high school coach, a childhood friend and assorted other folks who had stopped by to watch the local boy do good, which he did. After starting 70, 71, 70, Colt pulled out a final round 65 to secure a place in the finals, then he celebrated by heading to the buffet table.

I met a nice young pro by the name of Niall Turner from St. Paul, Minnesota who shot 76, 68, 67 for the first three rounds and need a 69 to make the finals. Unfortunately he shot a 72 (better than any round I ever shot in my life), and finished 33rd, which is better than half the field, but not good enough.

In the end, there were 23 players that made the grade at TPC Craig Ranch. Leading the way was Martin Flores with four rounds in the sixties for a 269 total. Included in the 23 guys that made it were Tommy Gainey, Paul Stankowski, Colt Knost, Brenden Pappas and Hunter Haas, as well as guys like Kelly Grunewald, J.J. Killeen and sixteen other guys you couldn’t pick out of a two-man lineup. The low round of the tournament was Colt Knost’s final round 65. The high round of the week was Wil Collins’ third round 79, which is also better than any round I ever shot in my life, however I don’t think he would take any comfort in that fact.

Not everyone that had a caddie made it, nor did everyone with a sponsor on their shirt, but everyone that did make it earned it, and now they have to do it again. If Q-school isn’t the most difficult job interview on the planet then I don’t know what is.

Therefore I have decided that I could never be a professional golfer; not because I don’t have the talent, which I don’t, but frankly I’d go broke buying Maalox, or possibly die of a heart attack… however, I do look good in the clothes and I talk a good game.

Okay, I don’t look that good in the clothes.

I made a phone call to PGA headquarters in Florida yesterday to check on media credentials for one of the second round of Q-School tournaments being held at TPC Craig Ranch in McKinney, Texas just a couple of zip codes north of my front door. Normally, I would check on credentials much earlier, but for some reason I didn’t until photographer David Stubblefield asked me if I had secured his credentials as I had promised.

The conversation with the PGA went something like this, “Hello, this is Sam Johnson with Tees2Greens.com and I was wondering if you could give me a name and number to call at TPC Craig Ranch to secure media credentials for the second round of Q-school?” 

“There are no media credentials required,” the young lady replied.

“How about photo credentials?”

“Nope, you don’t need one of those either. The crowd is so small, mainly just friends and relatives. You won't have any problems getting interviews or pictures.” She promised.

I thought about what she said, then I thought about guys like Shaun Micheel who won the 2003 PGA Championship. His five-year exemption now spent, he finished 180th on the money list in 2009 and is playing in the Q-school in Panama City, Florida, this week and you don’t need media credentials to ask him for a quote.

All in all there are more than a dozen multiple winners in this year’s Q-school including five-time Tour winner Jim Gallagher Jr. You’ll also see Joe Durant and Carlos Franco each with four wins.  Then there’s Robert Gamez, Nolan Henke and Kirk Triplett each with three wins, followed by Frank Lickliter, Ted Tryba, J.P. Hayes, Jonathan Kaye, Len Mattiace, J.L. Lewis and Dallasite Paul Stankowski each with two victories.

Other former Tour winners competing in second stage include Mark Carnevale, Peter Lonard, Dicky Pride, Michael Clark II, Robert Damron, Ian Leggatt, Jim McGovern, Tom Scherrer, Brian Bateman, Dennis Paulson, Jim Carter, Neal Lancaster, Bob Burns, Jason Gore, Mark Hensby, another adopted Texan Phil Tataurangi, Eric Axley, David Gossett and Mike Heinen.

After that you’ve got a couple a hundred guys that you may or may not have ever heard of that can still flat out play golf. Like former U.S. Amateur Champion and Walker Cup darling Colt Knost, he’ll be there, as will the young stars Jamie Lovemark, Mike Van Sickle and Drew Weaver. If pedigree helps as Jay Haas Jr. is hoping, he will follow his father and join his brother Bill on Tour, but there are hundreds of guys that don’t care who Jay Jr.'s father is. All they know is that he’s one more obstacle in their way to achieving their own dreams.

These guys are as serious as a heart attack. Everyone knows in this stimulus package there are millions of dollars and 125 jobs on the line. The pressure is enormous and for the most part there will be few if anyone to cheer them on. Not all of the multiple winners will be returning to full status, and major champion Shaun Micheel has no guarantee either.  There are young bucks with dreams of their own. It is an evolutionary changing of the guard, the survival of the fittest, and in the words of Bob Dylan, “Those not busy being born are busy dying.”

Q-school is a ladder that you’re either climbing or descending and throughout the process you’re expected to be a sport. You want drama, joy, tragedy? Go cheer on the guys at a Q-school near you. You don’t need media credentials.

Next week we’ll have pictures and some nitty-gritty details from TPC Craig Ranch.

You may not know the name Blackie Sherrod, but he was one of the best sports writers ever to sit at a typewriter.  A nationally recognized talent, he held court at the defunct Fort Worth Press, the defunct Dallas Times Herald and later the barely alive Dallas Morning News. He could turn a phrase with the best of them, but more importantly he was whip-smart, and because he was, you were a little smarter for having read what he had to say.

I don’t think Blackie liked golf very much, but he loved Byron Nelson and the tournament that borrowed his name. He sometimes questioned why Ted Williams could hit a 90 mph fastball with 100 thousand people screaming, but Sam Snead couldn’t make a two-foot putt if someone in the crowd turned over a quarter in his pocket, but that’s another story.

Blackie grew up pounding on the keys of an old Underwood before moving to an IBM, and although he has been retired for many years, he did write his column on a computer before hangin’em up. I too grew up pounding on a mechanical typewriter, which is why I still pound on the keys of my Mac. I don’t touch-type, but that’s good because I don’t think that fast. However, before you start calling me Geezer, I have an iPhone, a FaceBook page and a Twitter account. I text now and then and read the wall on my FaceBook page if someone writes on it, but I don’t tweet… even in private.

What does all of this have to do with golf you ask?

LOL. As I was scanning the PGA website I noticed that there is now a PGA Tour APP and best of all it’s free. With this clever application you can watch complete video highlights that cover everything from previews to highlights to analysis on your iPhone. It also has live scoring so you can follow your guy in between video poker games. You can also download graphics of the courses complete with hole descriptions.

It says right here in the brochure that you can “Get inside access to top professional golfers including Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Camilo Villegas and other world class talent on the PGA Tour” although I’m not sure how that works. But since it’s an iPhone APP, and they have your phone number, I suppose they could call you and invite you over, but I wouldn’t hold my breath if I were you.

And, because this is America and Americans are in such a hurry you can get live, play-by-play updates on every shot your favorite player makes throughout the round. You’ll also get info on specific shots and yardage, so you can call Tiger or Phil and let them know that they need to keep that left or right elbow straight.

Total golf geeks can also follow the Champions and Nationwide Tours. As a matter of fact, from what I can tell, you can now watch every official tournament on all three PGA Tours. I’m telling you all this not because the PGA is paying me, because they are not, although it would be alright if they did (hint, hint). But this is not a commercial, it’s a warning. The Internet and the iPhone are killing newspapers and magazines, but that’s okay because most of what’s written is certainly not worth cutting down trees for, but that’s another story.

The danger is that in the instant world of the Internet and iPhone communications we sometimes forget the difference between information and content. Information, good and bad, is free on the Internet, but sports, just like everything else, is more than information. I love to know the score, but I love sports even more when the Blackie Sherrods of this world write that “In a perfect world, a fair world, Bob Hayes should be forced to carry a small calf on his shoulder when he runs the dashes... Mark Spitz, in all fairness, would swim with a sea anchor...and Ella Fitzgerald must sing every note with a mouth full of Tootsie Rolls."

Life and golf are not just about the score. Don’t waste your time on information alone… even if it’s free.

When I was a young boy I didn’t dream about being Sam Snead or Arnold Palmer, I dreamed about being Brooks Robinson the third baseman of the Baltimore Orioles. I couldn’t wait for the game of the week on Saturday, which seemed like it was always the New York Yankees and now and then the Baltimore O’s. That’s right, unlike the 500 cable channels we have today, there was only one game a week on one of three television channels, but that’s another story.

My idol, Brooks Robinson, had a magic glove and a rocket arm and a cool name, just the thing that dreams are made of. I dreamed of playing professional baseball and being the next Brooks Robinson.  In the end I simply wasn’t good enough. No one told me I wasn’t good enough, but as the players around you get bigger, faster and more athletic you eventually know. Dreams die hard, but life goes on and I take solace in knowing that I still have more hair than Brooks Robinson, but that’s also another story.

The week before Thanksgiving 450 dreams continue, 78 of them at one of the second stages of Q-School being held at TPC Craig Ranch in McKinney, Texas, not far from where I live. I’ve never attended a Q-School event, but I think I’m going to pull on my old Brooks Robinson hat and get out to the course. Tiger Woods won’t be there; maybe the next Tiger will, but that’s not why I plan on attending. Sport is about great skill, but it is also about great theater. You know, the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat stuff, and with so many dreams on the line, I can’t imagine it not being thrilling to watch.

Now, I’m not a fan of the NASCAR car wreck theory of sport, so I won’t be there to see someone’s dreams destroyed. I want everyone to play their very best because that’s how you ought to find out if you’re good enough. And, if you are good enough, at the end of this gut-wrenching opportunity a handful of players will advance from the TPC Craig Ranch and the other locations, to the finals at Bear Lakes Country Club in West Palm Beach, Fla., in December to do it all over again.

Then things get serious. The field size will be based on 156 players plus ties from the Second Qualifying Stage.  But there’s more: The following applicants shall be eligible to start at Final Qualifying Stage:

1. Those applicants among the top 25 finishers immediately after the 125th position on the final 2009 Official PGA TOUR Money List (as defined in the PGA TOUR Tournament Regulations).
   
2. Those Special Temporary members of the PGA TOUR whose combined official money and money earned in official money World Golf Championship events is equal to or greater that the 150th place finisher on the 2009 Official PGA TOUR Money List (as defined in the PGA TOUR Tournament Regulations).
   
3. Those applicants among Major and Minor Medical Extension category members (as defined in the PGA TOUR Tournament Regulations) whose Official Money earned in their Available Tournaments, when combined with the amount of Official Money in their Tournaments Played, equals or exceeds the amount of Official Money earned by the member who finished last in the 25 finishers beyond 125th place on the Official PGA TOUR Money List for the preceding calendar year shall be exempt into Final Qualifying Stage in that year provided that the Official Money earned in his Tournaments Played is less that the 150th finisher on the Official PGA TOUR Money List in the year of the applicant's injury.
   
4. Those applicants finishing 26th through 40th on the final 2009 Official Nationwide Tour Money List (as defined in the Nationwide Tour Tournament Regulations).
   
5. The leading 1st, 2nd and 3rd available players, to a floor of 10th position, on the PGA European Tour and Japan Golf Tour respective Official Money List as of the Qualifying Tournament entry deadline, September 23, 2009 and the Australasian PGA Tour final Official Money List from the 2008 season.
   
6. Those applicants among the top 50 on the Official World Golf Rankings as of the Qualifying Tournament entry deadline, September 23, 2009.

If you’re going to dream you might as well dream big and if you make it through Q-School you deserve all the accolades and respect that the world’s best golfers receive, because you are one of the world’s best, and being part of that my friend is worth the price of admission.

So, if the Baltimore Orioles call, tell them they can reach me at the TPC Craig Ranch where I’m watching history being made by all those dreamers.

Like my home state of Texas, Australians have a reputation for outrageousness among other things, but what would you expect from a country founded by escaped prisoners. From a country that gave us the Great White Shark and Greg Norman, it is all together fitting that they have created the world’s longest golf course. How long? From the first tee to the clubhouse at 18 is 850 miles, or 1,365 kilometers for you international types.

It begins in Kalgoorlie in Western Australia and finishes up in Ceduna in South Australia. The fairways are natural desert terrain, and all but five greens are synthetic, but there are 18 of them and it takes about 4-days to play. Hazards include kangaroos, dingoes, wombats, emus, death adders, Russell Crowe and other snakes.

For those of you about to phone Qantas and make a reservation, you should know that scorecards are available at Norseman Visitor’s Information Centre 68 Roberts St Ph 90391071 and all roadhouses along the Eyre Highway. You can play your first two holes and have your card stamped by the staff at the visitor’s center. Play each subsequent hole and have your card stamped at the roadhouse or in the case of Norseman at the Visitor Center. Use the Caltex Service Station at Penong.

You will need to present your completed score card at either Ceduna or Kalgoorlie (the course can be played in either direction) and you will be presented with a certificate stating that “You have played the World’s Longest Golf course.” The certificate is free, however you must have your scorecard stamped at all the holes, which, as I figure is about $10,000 in airfare and ground transportation.

Not to fret, hire clubs (rented to you and me) are available at each stamping point and cost only $5, however a bond will be required. The cost of Scorecard: $50.00 Aus. There is no penalty for slow play because the average duration of the round is approximately 4 days depending how quickly you want to play. A week is acceptable, however a month-long round may raise an eyebrow or two in the clubhouse and will require that a thousand gallon water tank be attached to your golf bag.

If you would you like to become an inaugural member of the longest golf course in the world (and why wouldn’t you?) you can purchase a Foundation Membership. Your very own special number will be allocated and will remain with you forever, which as we all know is a long time. The club's logo will be yours on a specially designed polo shirt and cap for you to wear with pride. A commemorative certificate will be issued with your name and number.

Interested? Be quick, this offer is said to be limited to the first one thousand members, however if another 100,000 of you decide to send money they might consider expanding the membership. But I digress. The bottom-line is that for $200 Australian plus $15 Australian postage and handling ($30 Australian postage and handling for orders from outside Australia) you can be a Foundation Member.

For you purists, I regret to inform you that you have missed the opening celebrations and dinner in Ceduna on Thursday 22nd October at 6:30 pm. In addition, you have also missed the “BP Australia Opening Tournament” that commenced the same day with a tee off at 3:30 pm and concluded in Kalgoorlie on Monday 26th.

The Closing Dinner was at Kalgoorlie’s Historical Town Hall on Tuesday 27th October 2009 commencing at 7:30 pm and you missed that as well. But what I’m upset about is the following statement from their website:

The project committee is interested in placing 5 media personnel on the official bus to be part of this historic event. Please register your interest by email.

The Eyre Highway Operators Association welcomes BP Australia into our family of Partners.

I can’t believe I missed it. I’m sure that T2G management would have gladly paid my expenses. What say we put another shrimp on the barbie and put together our own road trip for next year? Or everyone can send me a dollar and I’ll write a first-hand report.

Don’t delay! You can be a Founding Member of The Sam “Bogey” Johnson Send Me A Dollar Club. Act now. This offer is limited to the first 5,000,000 people who send untraceable cash. No postdated checks please.

A while back I wrote an article titled “A Guide to Baby Boomer Golf.” At the heart of the article were seven great golf tips intended to help old guys and slackers like me achieve golf respectability without practicing or working out.  If you recall, I explained that I wanted to shoot a respectable sub-90 round without practicing and only playing once a month. I went on to talk about not being able to find the time to play several times a week and practice another once or twice.  I punctuated my point by noting that too much playing and practicing would interfere with my lying around time. Then, I asked that you remember that I am in the twenty/twenty club, meaning that I am more than twenty years older and twenty pounds heavier than the golf gods intended a fifteen handicapper to be.

Up to that point, everything I said was close to the truth. However, what follows is a bit closer, and like the recovering alcoholic, part of my recovery plan is to stand up in front of my peers and confess my short-comings.

In 2009, I followed my own advice. I know how dumb that sounds, but it was not by plan but by circumstance. There are a dozen excuses I could use, but the bottom-line is that I haven’t played forty rounds this year, and worst of all, I may have been to the range twice.

Not to worry, right?  I have a plan that includes seven handy golf tips from “A Guide to Baby Boomer Golf.” In case you have forgotten, here they are:

Rule one: Spend ten minutes pitching and chipping before each round. Getting it close enough to one putt is always important, but it is critical for successful baby boomer golf.

Rule two: Spend ten minutes putting before each round. Work on distance. Rarely do we misread the direction of a putt bad enough to cause a three putt.

Rule three: If possible, hit a dozen sand shots before each round. If you can get it close coming out of the sand great, but the most important thing is to make sure you get it out of the sand.

Rule four: Make every short iron count. Get the ball on the dance floor, hopefully in the general range of the flag.

Rule five: Don’t turn a warm up into practice. It doesn’t work and you’ll end up worn out before you start the round.

Rule six: Don’t spend too much time on the range pounding your driver before you play. You are not twenty years old.  For every 300-yard drive a baby boomer golfer hits, they’ll put five others in the rough, or even worse, out of bounds.

Rule seven: Think about every shot. Playing smart is the one thing that baby boomers ought to be able to do.

Frankly, these are seven pretty good rules, if I say so myself, and they just might help you keep your game together over a few weeks, but in the long-term nothing replaces playing and practicing. Slowly but surely my game has atrophied the same as you would expect an unused muscle to do, and God knows I have a lot of those. No doubt the better you are the longer it takes for the atrophy to take hold, but take hold it will.

In my delusional state, I had imagined that I could spend ten minutes putting here and chipping there and somehow keep the wheels on a game that was already shaky. Using my seven magic tips I would kick sand in the face of Father Time, but that’s not what happened.

I have gone from an average putter to a really bad putter. I have no touch, no feel, and no confidence.  My chipping is worse. If I’m not quitting on my down swing, I’m looking up so I can blade the ball across the green just for fun. I used to be a pretty good sand player; now I haven’t got a clue. As for as my short irons, when I’m not pulling I’m pushing and to make things worse I’m making all kinds of swing changes during the round. How dumb is that?

I’m playing so bad that I actually quit during a round. When the going gets tough the tough gives notice.

I remember hearing Darrell Royal comment after one of his star players, who had been unable to practice the week before a game, had fumbled three times during the game. He said simply, “If practice wasn’t important we wouldn’t do it.”

I guess my seven rules could be helpful, but the truth is nothing replaces practice and playing and in that order. So, here my early resolutions for 2010; I resolve to practice at least once a week and play the same. I will also workout at least five days a week because it’s good for me and my game. Most importantly, I promise not to take my own advice when it comes to golf… and you should do the same.

It’s all together appropriate that this year’s Big Break is at Walt Disney World. Where else would you expect to find something this Goofy?

I know that it’s reality TV, and in the end, it has more to do with watching a car wreck than playing golf. Still, I hate to see a freak show called golf. I also think it’s unfair that they don’t tell the contestants that there are no windowpanes to break on the PGA Tour, but that’s just me. I’m not saying it’s as bad as exploiting obesity, or so-called little people, but it’s not far behind. Jon and Kate where are you when we need you?

This year’s lineup is as goofy as… Goofy. Starting with Andreas Huber former Wall Street broker and son of actress Susan Lucci. Wasn’t she the one who was nominated for an Emmy 100 years in a row and never won? It’s nice to have a son to carry on a tradition.

Then there’s Andrew Giuliani son of Rudy Giuliani. That’s right that Rudy Giuliani. I’m not sure who his Mother is, but I assume that Rudy knows. This is already starting to feel like a rerun of Dancing With The Stars, or as I heard someone call it, Dancing With the Vaguely Familiar.

We’re told that Blake Moore is this year’s bad boy with a temper. Suspended for a year by the golf coach at University of Colorado, we’re all supposed to be waiting for Blake to slam his driver into a tree, or perhaps another player. If I want to see poor sportsmanship I’ll play golf with my brother-in-law.

How about Ed Moses an Olympic gold metal swimmer who’s still learning the game of golf. I haven’t seen Ed play, but when the press release has him listed as  “still learning” it’s hard to think of him as a real threat except around the water hazards.

This year’s big hitters are played by Gipper Finau and Tony Finau a couple of not so famous long ball hitting brothers. In addition to being the long ball boys, they are apparently best dancers. The Polynesian two-some both claim a campy version of their native fire dance. Just shoot me.

The guy watching the Polynesian dance team with a wary eye is J. R. Reyes, the tattooed golfer, who is waiting tables three days to make enough money for his entry fee at the PGA Q-school. I can hardly wait for him to be matched with Kevan Maxwell, the pizza delivery guy and a caddy at Kiawah Island. At least they’ll never go hungry.

The second caddy on the show is Kevin Erdman, whose wife was a contestant on Big Break Ka’anapali. He is now her caddy on the Canadian Tour, which as a tour, is about the same as the club championship at one of your larger country clubs, only the food and prizes are better at the country club.

I don’t understand why Mike Perez, the brother of PGA Tour winner Pat Perez, is on the show. Granted, it’s better than selling cars and playing on the mini tours, which is how he spent the last year. Since he knows exactly what it takes to get to the big times, I can only assume that show business is his life.

The strangest contestant is Sean Kalin who was abducted by his mother and stepfather at the age of 10, which as far as I can tell has nothing to do with anything. Apparently, his kidnapping made him quit golf and become another bad boy who later turned good by having kids. Excuse me for being skeptical, but I have kids, and you can ask their parole officer, it hasn’t made me a better person.

Last but not least is Vincent Johnson, the only black guy on the show. Vincent actually has some credentials and may be able to play, but the bottom line is that he hasn’t and odds are he won’t.

There you have it, the good, the bad and the ugly in no particular order. And, don’t worry if you miss the first show, they’ll rerun it 400 times next week.