Tees2Greens on Golf

Thousands of years before the first round of golf was completed and someone asked for more strokes next time around, the Chinese believed in the ying and yang of life. It is said that for every happy moment there is a sad one, and for every winter there is a summer, etcetera, etcetera, so forth and so on, and whatever. 

Not to get too David Carradine on you, but golf is full of ying and yang moments. While the folks living in areas like Bethpage, or Minnesota, or the North Pole are complaining about the rain chilled weather, I myself just finished a round where the temperature soared above 100 degrees all afternoon. In other words, while you were freezing your ying, I was baking my yang. See how that works?

They say that only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the mid-day sun, but in Texas only mental patients and morons like me play golf mid-day in the summer. Why would anyone play when the temperature gauge is higher than your I.Q.? The answer is in the question, Grasshopper.  But, there are secrets to playing in the heat like always park the cart in the shade. My playing partner once accused me of standing too close to him just to benefit from the breeze created by his backswing. Pish, posh.

Driving the cart at maximum speed is also helpful, especially if you take off your hat and let the breeze turn your due into a Bozo The Clown hairstyle.

Another truism of summer golf in Texas is that the beverage cart is always somewhere else. Once again; while someone is cooling their ying, you are frying your yang. 

Sweating while playing golf in Texas is a given, and as you might expect, sweating creates multiple problems. First of all you get sweat rings in the most awkward places. Everyone expects to have sweaty armpits, but when the temperature reaches 105 degrees you find yourself sweating in your back pockets and noticing a trickle of sweat running down your leg. Let’s face it; sweat will make your hair crunchy among other things.

Perhaps the most dangerous sweat is the one that collects the sun block off your forehead and rolls down into your eyes. Only those of you that wear contacts like I do know what real pain is.

There are additional perils to consider when the temperature tops out in the triple-digits. For example never flop down on the seat of your cart if it has been standing in the sun… especially when you’re wearing shorts.  The medical term for this predicament is fried butt, but I won't bore you with the technical stuff. I’ve seen semi-grown men scream like little girls after sitting down on a hot cart seat. It is an experience you always remember. 

It is also a bad idea to grab a club from your bag if it has been sitting in the sun. The same applies to a club that you laid on the ground while you were putting.  Does the term hot horseshoe come to mind? And if that wasn’t enough, the heat and humidity will also steal yards off a perfect drive… I hear.

Perhaps the guys at Augusta National have the right idea closing the course for the summer, or perhaps the only time to play golf in the Texas summer is at 6:00 A. M., which means you're up with the chickens, or out all night with the boys, neither of which is all that appealing.

By now those of you who live closer to the North Pole than me are making your way around the course and sweltering in 85-degree weather trying to understand why someone who lives in a place where you can play golf 11 months a year is complaining. It’s that ying and yang thing once again.

For every smile there is a frown, and for every Minnesota day when only morons and Eskimos consider playing golf there’s a day in Texas when I’m glad that I don’t live in Minnesota.

David Duval didn’t win the U.S. Open. The fact that he was on the leader board is surprising. That he very well could have won is stunning. Just as surprising, in the press conference after the match he said that he wasn’t surprised that he was in the hunt; he was disappointed that he didn’t win. Okay…

“I stand before you certainly happy with how I played, but extremely disappointed in the outcome,” said Duval. “I had no question in my mind that I was going to win the golf tournament today.” All this from a man who began the week ranked No. 882 in the world, and had missed the cut in eight of 13 starts in 2009.

Did I fall in a rabbit hole? Is this 1997? Could anyone possibly have that kind of confidence after not having a top-ten for seven years? Seven years!

Duval’s fall from grace was epic. After finishing second seven times from 1995 through October of 1997, he won his first tournament, the Michelob Championship, then routinely racked up twelve wins including a British Open. David Duval was on top of the golf world.

Then the sky started falling one bad swing at a time. After being crowned the number one player in the world a couple of years earlier, he finished 80th on the money list in 2002. The following year he finished 211th and decided it was time for a break. Some of Duval’s misfortunes are understandable, the injuries and a bout with vertigo.  But without question, at some point, it became a lack of confidence that weighed down on him like a sickness. And, for Duval it was like having the flu for seven years.

In baseball they say a slump starts in your bat and ends up in your head. Golf is no different.  Duval would ride his slump all the way to 882nd in the world at the start of 2009.

Remember, we’re talking about a guy that buttoned his top button and sold more wrap-around Oakleys in two years than you could shake a stick at. He was an icon. He was the mountain that Tiger needed to climb.

He was number one in the world, for God’s sake!

Today, David Duval has unbuttoned his top button and put on a few pounds. He’s still wearing the Oakleys, and for some reason he has the confidence to believe that he can win the U. S. Open and maybe the British Open coming up in July.  

“It’s what I want [to be in a position to win majors]. It may be arrogance, but it’s where I feel I belong and I was glad to come up here, hit the golf ball and control myself like I’ve been saying I’ve been doing,” Duval said. “I’ve been talking about how I know I’ve been playing a lot better than the results have been showing.”

Duval’s instructor, Puggy Blackmon, who also coached Duval at Georgia Tech, said, “I’m not taking any credit for this. David has done all the work. I think if anything, I’ve just been trying to remind him of the way he used to talk to me, the way he used to think and that type of thing… This was phenomenal. This is vintage Duval this week.”

Does all this mean that David Duval is back? Probably not; at least no more than Lucas Glover, Michael Campbell, Steve Jones and Lee Janzen.

At this point in his career, I suspect that David Duval is like the rest of us, simply trying to make it through the night.  And he doesn’t need Kris Kristofferson to tell him that “Yesterday is dead and gone and tomorrow is out of sight.”

Duval is a reminder that tomorrow is not promised to anyone, even Tiger Woods, who is likely taking a putting lesson and wondering how in the world he could finish behind David Duval.

Someone once said that you should learn something everyday. So what’s the lesson at Bethpage Black and the U. S. Open? Not the obvious one that you and I are not good enough to play in the Open. That’s too easy. I’m looking for something more profound, because as regular readers know, profound is my middle name.

So what is the lesson; that difficulty is a relative term? I know that. How about that everyone eventually fails, but everyone doesn’t eventually win? Life isn’t fair; there’s a news flash. Perhaps the lesson is in what and why we watch? Is it the artistry or the anguish we crave? Does watching the Open have the same appeal as watching some kind of natural disaster? Are we the guy slowing down the car to see if there is any blood? Do we secretly watch Jerry Springer when we’re alone? Is it the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat? And if the Super Bowl was on the other channel which one would we watch live and which one would we Tivo? 

The answer is yes, yes, perhaps, not really, sure and who’s playing?

I forgot the source, but the story goes that a player once asked a U. S. Open official if their goal was to embarrass the best players in the world, to which the official responded “We are not trying to embarrass the best players in the world, we are trying to identify them.”

That’s profound, but is it true?

Let me state more of the obvious; I am not a world-class golfer. Nor am I one of the best players in my country, state, city, neighborhood, and maybe not even on my block. I don’t do anything at a world-class level, not even sleep. Call me a wimp, but I don’t seek out the most difficult golf courses to play, not because I don’t think I have a chance, I simply don’t think it’s fun to work that hard at a game.

Obviously, I don’t make my living playing golf, but watching the U. S. Open, it doesn’t look like the best players in the world are having much fun. Perhaps I don’t understand what greatness is all about. Jimmy Dugan, or was it Tom Hanks that said, “It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.”  My Daddy said, “If work was fun they’d call it play,” and these guys are working, right? On the other hand, if golf isn’t fun does it cease to be a game? How’s that for profound?

I guess the lesson is that it is probably a lot more fun to watch the U. S. Open than to play in it. It might also be true that playing 300 rounds of golf a year, including four competitive rounds at Bethpage Black, is likely not even close to being fun. And while we’re baring our souls, being rich and famous may not be all that much fun, either. Just ask Jon and Kate Plus 8.

But before you think I’ve gone off the deep end, I want you to understand that I really don’t believe that world-class talent, fame and fortune are the root of all evil. As we all know, men wearing thong underwear is the root of all evil.

Would it be fun to play like Tiger? Sure.  If I could do anything at a world-class level, even for just one day, that would be cool. Would Tiger Me choose to play Bethpage Black on my day off? Probably not, but that’s Tiger Me not Tiger You. Would being rich and famous change me?  God, I hope so.

Like you, I’m watching the St. Jude Classic on the boob-tube, but forgive me because my heart is already moved to Farmingdale, New York and the U. S. Open and Bethpage Black.

It’s not news that the USGA selects the most challenging golf courses for the U.S. Open, nor is it news that Bethpage Black is harder than Chinese arithmetic.  It is their steely-eyed intention is to make U.S. Open the most rigorous test of golf this side of Mars, and once again Bethpage Black qualifies. According to the USGA, a U.S. Open course should test all forms of shot-making, mental tenacity, and physical endurance under conditions of extreme pressure. And, although some may disagree, the guys in charge actually try to ensure that a well-played shot produces a good result. They have a plan, a detailed plan for conducting the Open, but like every round of golf ever played, that plan is fluid depending on the weather and other stuff. The following factors impact U.S. Open course setup. The mix of these varies from course to course, year to year. The bottom-line is that the evaluation of course setup does not and should not focus on one element but considers the whole enchilada. Here are the factors:

1. Length, variation and playing characteristics of individual holes;
2. Length of overall golf course relative to total par;
3. Teeing ground locations (i.e., angles of play, variation of distance day to day);
4. Fairway width and contours;
5. Fairway firmness and speed;
6. Green speed relative to percentage slopes and contours of the putting greens;
7. Putting green firmness;
8. Rough height, density and stages of severity;
9. Bunker preparation (i.e., create challenge of recovery);
10. Green surrounds (e.g., closely mown areas vs. primary rough);
11. Hole locations (relative difficulty, balance in location of left vs. right, front vs. back of green, anticipated wind, anticipated length of approach shot);
12. Risk and reward options;
13. Anticipated weather conditions; and
14. Pace of play.

In addition, the championship will arrange the U.S. Open primary rough cut at different heights, determined by the hole and its yardage.

Each hole also will have two distinct cuts in the primary rough. Generally speaking, a ball that barely trickles into the primary rough won’t be as severely punished as one that misses the fairway by 15 yards. There is no target score for a U.S. Open. While the final score at some U.S. Open sites will be at or near par, the USGA does not try to formulate a course setup that will only produce a winning score of at or near even par.

In case your wife asks, famed architect A.W. Tillinghast created Bethpage Black and Rees Jones was given the responsibility of restoring the course to its former glory prior to the 2002 U.S. Open. Rees is credited for reviving the size and scale of Tillinghast’s original bunkers, which now resemble the old black and white photographs that hang in the clubhouse.

The Farmingdale, New York course opened in 1936 with a scary slope of 148 and a rating 76.6. At 7,496 yards, A. W. and Rees expect folks to take only 71 strokes to traverse the 18 holes. It is said that the green contouring is ordinary compared to Winged Foot (also designed by Tillinghast), however that doesn’t seem to make Bethpage Black play any easier, does it?

I don’t know why, but for some reason A. W. didn’t finish the Black course, which may explain why the 18th hole is not the most inspiring finishing hole in golf.  It’s a pity that Tillinghast wasn’t able to add the finishing touches he does so well; nevertheless Bethpage Black is still one of Tillinghast’s and golf’s finest courses.

Although the famous sign at the first hole that states, “The Black Course is an extremely difficult course which we recommend only for highly skilled golfers,” may be true, I suggest that it be replaced with the following sign: “Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.” -- Jimmy DeMaret.

Enjoy the U. S. Open. I know I will.

With the news of Phil Mickelson returning to tournament play this week, I’ve decided to tell you my Mickelson story, and I don’t mean Phil, I mean Amy Mickelson.

Semi-regular readers of this space figured out a long time ago that I was not a big Phil Mickelson fan. They assumed that I didn’t like his attitude, or that he had snubbed me at some media event, or that I thought he had a million dollar swing and a two-dollar brain, and all that would be true. But frankly, I never thought much about Phil Mickelson one way or another until 1996; that was the year Phil won the Byron Nelson Championship.

Since the Byron Nelson Championship began in 1956 (then known as the Dallas Open), after accepting the trophy and check, winners have been escorted to the marshals' tent to thank and toast the hundreds of volunteers who worked so hard to help make the tournament a success. It’s a respected tradition carried out over the years by the likes of Don January, Sam Snead, Jack Nicklaus, Chi Chi Rodriguez, Lanny Wadkins, Tom Watson, Raymond Floyd, Ben Crenshaw, Fred Couples, Payne Stewart, Nick Price, Ernie Els, Tiger Woods, Sergio Garcia, Vijay Singh, Adam Scott and others. You get the point.  

The tradition of the winner visiting the marshals' tent at the Nelson is not some half-baked idea that I thought up. It was and is, in the purest sense, a tradition based on a mutual love for the game and the men and woman who play at its highest level. A Tradition created by none other than Byron Nelson and carried on by the tournament that still bears his name.

In 1996, Phil Mickelson was 26 years old, a professional golfer and already a millionaire. Since 1992, he had dated a former cheerleader who knew nothing about golf. As a matter of fact when he told her he was a professional golfer, she assumed that he worked at a golf course. She soon learned differently.

Throughout the 1996 Byron Nelson Championship, Phil’s soon to be wife Amy walked the course in support of her betrothed almost unnoticed. With her wedding to Phil about a month away, she was hoping that Phil would win enough for a nice down payment on the house they wanted to buy, which seems kind of naive in retrospect. History will tell you that her dream came true when Phil won the ’96 Nelson and pocketed enough money to buy several houses, depending on your taste.

It was a storybook tournament ending; young superstar with beautiful fiancée by his side wins the Nelson and flies off on their honeymoon with Lord Byron Nelson’s words of congratulation still ringing in their ears. It was the golfer equivalent to having your marriage blessed by the Pope.

 However, there was one task left to do before Phil and Amy flew off to Shangri-La; Phil was supposed join Byron Nelson in the marshals' tent for the traditional toast and congratulations to the volunteers. However, young Phil, with the winner’s share already in his back pocket, apparently didn’t see the point and had no intention of wasting ten minutes worth of his time congratulating who? Even after the tradition was explained to him, young Phil was anxious to start his own tradition of getting out of town before the sun went down.

Then up stepped Amy and promptly informed young Mr. Mickelson that the discussion was over and that he was going to take ten minutes out of his life and thank the volunteers. And with that he and Amy got into the golf cart and headed for the marshals' tent where Phil was totally charming and humble. Amy also thanked the volunteers and told everyone about buying her new home and we all cheered.

When I heard about Amy Mickelson being diagnosed with breast cancer two weeks ago, I remember the strong young woman who stepped up that day in 1996 and taught Phil Mickelson a thing or two about life. And, I expect, this same young wife and mother is still strong and about to teach the rest of us a thing or two about life.

I’ve always known that women were nicer and always suspected that they were also the stronger of the species, but now and then even the strongest could use an edge. So take a moment and say a prayer, or light a candle, or simply think good thoughts for Amy Mickelson; she’s the strong one standing behind Phil.

I never met Ben Hogan, although we lived less than thirty miles from each other until his death in 1997. This week's Crowne Plaza Invitational at Colonial, which will always be the Colonial National Invitational in my mind, was Hogan’s lair. They called it Hogan’s Alley, as they do Riviera Country Club and the sixth hole at Carnoustie. Imagine how good you have to be for three courses to claim you?

In 2000, the legendary ball striker and winner of 64 PGA events, despite being interrupted by WWII and a near fatal car crash, was named the second greatest player of all time by Golf Digest. By the way, Jack Nicklaus was first and Sam Snead was third. And whether or not you agree with the Golf Digest rankings, it’s pretty clear that Ben Hogan was something special on the golf course.

Hogan was 9 years old when his father committed suicide. To help the family through financial difficulties, Ben delivered newspapers. A tip from a friend led him to caddying at Glen Garden Country Club. One of his fellow caddies was none other than Byron Nelson. The two would tie for the lead at the annual nine-hole caddy tournament in 1927. Nelson sunk a thirty-foot putt to tie Hogan on the ninth and final hole. They played another nine holes; Nelson sunk another long putt on the final green to win by a stroke. The following year, Nelson was given the only junior membership offered by the members of Glen Garden and Ben Hogan moved on.

Hogan dropped out of high school in 1930 to become a professional golfer and didn’t win a golf tournament for ten years… that’s right, ten years. Of course when he did figure it out he won three times in 1940. Like many aspiring golfers Ben had an unpredictable hook that didn’t react well to the pressures of professional golf.

Byron Nelson said that Hogan developed a "strong" grip when he was a caddy in order to be able to hit the ball as far as the bigger guys (Hogan was five foot seven and weighed about 140 pounds soaking wet). It was this strong grip that resulted in Hogan’s propensity for the disastrous snap hook.  So, if you were wondering what Hogan did from 1930 to 1940 he was developing the famed "Hogan Fade" using his "draw" swing in conjunction with a "weak" grip to eliminate his hook.

With his hook conquered, Hogan won 52 tournaments between 1940 and 1949. Then, on February 2, 1949, at the pinnacle of his career, Hogan and his wife survived a head-on collision with a Greyhound bus on a bridge east of Van Horn, Texas. At the age of 36, Ben Hogan had a double-fracture of the pelvis, a fractured collarbone, a left ankle fracture, a chipped rib, and near-fatal blood clots that caused him circulation problems the rest of his life. His doctors said he might never walk again, let alone play golf. Fifty-nine days after the accident Hogan left the hospital and a year later he won the 1950 U.S. Open.

Sounds like a movie you say? Hollywood agreed and released Follow The Sun starring Glenn Ford as the now legendary Hogan. But they should have waited because the best was yet to come. The Hogan Slam.

The “Hogan Slam” came a couple of years later in 1953 when Ben entered only six tournaments winning five, three of which were majors. The fourth major was the PGA Championship that was played July 1st through 7th overlapping the British Open, which was played July 6th through 10th making it impossible for him to win all four. By the way, 1953 was his only appearance at the British Open.

Ben Hogan’s fame was hard earned. It took a ten-year bout with a snap hook, a near-fatal car wreck, a biographical movie about his life, and the Hogan Slam wrapped around thousands of perfect swings. But for the golf purist, Hogan’s legacy is his book Five Lessons: The Modern Fundamentals of Golf. It is perhaps the most widely read golf book ever written.

More than one person has said that Ben Hogan was not the most likeable guy you ever met and I don’t doubt that was true. But no one questions his talent on the golf course, or his place in golf history. Perhaps like Hemmingway and Van Gogh, Hogan’s artistry needed room. Room to be selfish. Room to be hurtful. Room to be so single minded that nothing else mattered. That doesn’t make it right, only a little easier to understand.

Maybe it’s time to remake the movie, you know an R Rated version to set the record straight, or perhaps we should just read his book and fix our own hooks.

Before Tiger Woods, before Pilates, there were a lot of golfers that looked like Billy Casper and John Daly. Who can forget the svelte profile of Gene Sarazin? And it was in the generous shadow of Billy Casper that various pundits started to question if golfers were even athletes at all.

Pointing directly at the over-size behind of Craig Stadler, wags near and far barked at whoever would listen that golf is a skill like racecar driving or bowling, but not an athletic endeavor. And it was those same wags that celebrated wildly when it was discovered that A. J. Foyt’s racecar had to be modified because his butt could no longer be wedged inside.

Obviously, with his abs and pecks shinning in the noonday sun, Tiger Woods is not Billy Casper, but is he a great athlete? Before you answer, I should remind you of a ‘70s TV show named Superstars. It was an all-around sports competition that pitting elite athletes from different sports against one another in a series of athletic events resembling a decathlon.

I don’t remember if a golfer ever competed on the program, however, I do remember that many of the great athletes from virtually every sport were part of the competition. More importantly, I remember the stunning results.

I watched in disbelief, along with millions of others, as sports hero after sports hero stumbled and fell, and Joe Frazier almost drowned. How could this be happening?  More importantly, “Who the hell is Kyle Rote, Jr.?” and how is it possible that an American soccer player could win this competition?

Was Kyle Rote, Jr. the best athlete in the world in 1974, 1976 and 1977? Not a chance. But he was the best at playing the Superstar game and that’s very different than being the world’s greatest athlete.

So, are golfers great athletes, or are they Kyle Rote, Jr.? Is Tiger Kobe Bryant in long pants? Is Albert Pujols Tiger Woods with a baseball bat? Does athletics transcend specific sports?

The answer is maybe.

When asked about the great Muhammad Ali, Vince Lombardi said, “It’s too bad he became a boxer. He would have made a great tight-end.” Years ago I mused over the same question. At six foot three, 225 pounds and a world-class sprinter, would O. J. Simpson have been a great soccer player, or a great tennis player? Remember Bo Jackson who starred in the NFL and Major League Baseball at the same time?

The bottom-line is that size, speed and agility do seem to transcend sports… as well as bar fights, but I digress.

Tiger has good size. Not great, but good. I don’t know if he's fast, but he wouldn’t look out of place on a track. Is he agile? He sure looks it when he’s in full swing. Is he Bo Jackson, or Michael Jordan?

If Tiger had dedicated his sporting life to basketball, baseball, or football would he be a superstar? No one can really say, but I’d like to think if Tiger applied himself he could backup a baseball across home plate and sink a basketball with a lob-wedge from half court.

I read a story about being a genius. The claim was that Albert Einstein was not a mathematical genius, he was simply a genius, and were he to have applied himself, he would have been a genius at whatever he had chosen.

Does this mean you should send Tiger your homework? Better him than Pete Rose.

The Texas Swing is not in reference to the King of Western Swing, Bob Wills, unless you think Ben Hogan, Lee Trevino and Byron Nelson were the Light Crust Doughboys (I must be getting really old since my references are becoming ancient). The modern Texas Swing starts at the Valero Texas Open played in the hills northwest of old San Antonio then moves north to the HP Byron Nelson Championship played at the newly renovated TPC Four Seasons. And just when you finally digested the Mexican food and the chicken fried steak, it’s time to move 30 miles west to Fort Worth for the Crown Plaza Invitational at Colonial and more barbeque than one cowboy can eat.

This year is a sort of coming out for the Valero Texas Open that had previously been played in golf purgatory, better known as October. Welcome to the big time PGA LaCantera Golf Club. It’s a beautiful golf course and if you get a chance to play it by all means do so. However, you may want to avoid beautiful San Antonio in July and August as it has the same weather as the Congo.

The Nelson, officially known as the HP Byron Nelson Championship, is my home course so to speak.  You may remember I’m one of those guys wearing red pants. I have an All -Access badge, a key to a golf cart, and luckily for the tournament, very little responsibility.  My primary job at the Nelson over the last few years is putting together the pairing sheets. It starts on the Sunday before the tournament when the field is announced. There are a few changes before the first tee-time on Thursday, but for the most part the field is set.

The first pairing sheet also covers the Gold Pro-Am played on the Wednesday before the tournament.  It’s 10,000 bucks to play and it has been sold out ever since I can remember.

This year’s Gold Pro-Am participants will choose their pro via a game of Deal or No Deal. Here’s how it works; each participant's name is drawn randomly. Once your name is drawn you must choose a briefcase that contains a pro’s name. You can make a Deal, meaning that you accept the name in the briefcase, or you can choose No Deal and choose another briefcase but you must take the pro in the second briefcase no matter who it is.

The drama builds with each name drawn as long as there is a big name pro still hidden away in a briefcase. You could be the first name drawn and end up with someone you never heard of, or you could be the last name drawn and end up with the best player in the field. It’s really exciting unless you get Joe Blow for 10,000 bucks and then a different word may replace exciting.

The pairing on Thursday and Friday are the same only reversed; the first to tee-off on Thursday is the last to tee-off on Friday. The real work begins Friday night after the cut when the PGA puts together the pairings for Saturday. From that point I have about twelve hours to redo the artwork, print and deliver Saturday’s pairings back to the golf course by six A.M. The same routine happens on Saturday night and by six A.M. Sunday morning the pairing sheets are ready for the final round.

Once the pairings are done, I move to my second job, bartending in the marshal’s tent. This job requires a lot less skill but a lot more self-control. The Nelson has more than 2,000 volunteers working during tournament week, and I feel sure that the Texas Open and the Colonial have equal numbers.

Every tournament needs help and I’ll bet the one in your area could use you and your buddies. It’s great fun and a great way to give something back to the game and your community.  And remember, a successful marshal never admits that they stepped on a player’s ball. I know this from experience.

And, one more thing. Phil Mickelson cannot take a joke, so forget the exploding ball trick.

Let’s start the conversation by stating I am not a fifteen-year-old gamer sitting around and waiting for the next version of Killzone, or Runes of Magic to be released. So, when I first heard about World Golf Tour (WGT.com) virtual golf I didn’t get all that excited. Hey, I’ve got enough trouble trying to figure out the real game. So what has changed?

The U.S. Open, that’s what.

The USGA, better known as the guys in charge of golf in the U.S., and WGT, fast becoming known as the wizards of virtual golf, have reached an agreement that has resulted in the world’s first online virtual U. S. Open, and in doing so, I believe they have created a reason for non-gamers to get seriously interested in virtual golf.

My questions are the same as yours. Is it possible by creating a virtual Bethpage Black right down to the lightning fast greens and the killer rough that the super-geeks at WGT have changed the way non-gamers feel about virtual golf games? Perhaps.

But what makes all of this so interesting is not simply that these guys have created a high definition virtual Bethpage Black; after all, there are dozens of computer games featuring every golf course you can imagine. The killer idea here is that it’s the virtual U. S. Open approved by the USGA, and just like the real one, you have to qualify for the tournament starting May 25^th.

When all is said and done, 156 virtual players (plus ties) will make the field and play for the U. S. Open virtual championship. The winner won’t win a million bucks, but they will be the guests of the USGA at the 2010 U. S. Open at Pebble Beach in California, U.S.A. How cool is that? And, here’s the other cool thing, it’s free. Zip. Zero. Nada.

There is some skill involved, and if you’re like me you’ll want to get in a bit of practice before the qualifying round. So, in order to fine-tune your skills, the USGA has put together a closest-to-the-hole challenge at www.USOPEN.COM. Once again it’s free. You do have to sign up for everything, but that’s to be expected.

Regular readers are aware of my technical ineptness, so one of my requirements is that there’s virtually no technical stuff to master to participate. I accept that I will need a computer and a high-speed connection, but that’s it. Since all of the action is online you are not required to download any software that may or may not work on your computer.

The virtual U. S. Open can be played by anyone from anywhere in the world; all you need is the aforementioned computer and high-speed connection to www.USOPEN.COM. The sign up is fairly painless. You’ll get a “How To Get Started” email and a schedule of events from the USGA, but that’s it as far as I can tell.

As I said before, there is some skill required. The first time I played the closest-to-the-hole challenge I hit exactly one green. Like most men I didn’t read the instructions and dove into the deep end of the pool and quickly found myself over my head, but I persevered. After a few holes I started to understand how to play, not enough to be a threat, but certainly enough to have fun. The graphics are really good, and as advertised, the greens are fast and the rough is brutal.

Am I the guy to beat? Probably not unless I can convince PING to make me a custom mouse with lots of backspin. But, I have to admit the idea of competing with other avid golfers around the world for the virtual U. S. Open Championship is intriguing.

As I asked at the start of all this, will this make you and I online gamers? I don’t know, but I like the idea of the virtual U. S. Open and I think it has the possibility of increasing my enjoyment of the real U. S. Open in June. I’m guessing that’s what the USGA and the WGT had in mind. Is this the way of the future, combining television coverage with the dynamic interactive power of the Internet? It makes sense, doesn’t it? Is this the final form of that participation or just the beginning? I’m betting it’s just the beginning.

Good luck. I hope you make the field of 156 as long as you don’t eliminate me. That would really tick me off.

About the USGA

The United States Golf Association is golf’s governing body in the USA and Mexico, a combined area that includes more than half the world’s golfers and golf courses. The USGA is passionate about, dedicated to and experts in the game of golf. Based on a shared love and respect for golf, it preserves the past, fosters the future and champions the best interests for everyone who loves, respects and enjoys the game.

Each season, the USGA conducts the U.S. Open, U.S. Women’s Open, U.S. Senior Open and 10 national amateur championships, including the U.S. Amateur and the U.S. Women’s Amateur. The USGA also writes and interprets the Rules of Golf, regulates and tests golf equipment, provides research-based turf management expertise, maintains the USGA handicap and course rating system, celebrates the history of the game and supports grassroots programs through its “For the Good of the Game” initiative.

About World Golf Tour

World Golf Tour (WGT) offers the most authentic online golf experience, making the game of golf accessible and affordable to all. With its patented no-install HD technology and free-to-play social networking format, WGT enables players to tour exclusive courses worldwide, learn the rules of the game, test equipment, and stay connected with friends. WGT’s partner sponsors such as Pinehurst Resort and Kiawah Island Resort provide exclusive luxury benefits such as premium products, prizes and tournament purses. For more information, please visit www.wgt.com.

Scatter shooting and wondering if 42 year-old Jerry Kelly believed that he was ever going to win again after seven years without grabbing a big check? It does the heart good to see the 66th ranked driver bring home the bacon, doesn’t it? Think about it, Jerry was hitting a five iron when the long knockers were swinging wedges. And in spite of that, he finished 1st in greens in regulation. He finished 24th in putting and if he would have putted top ten he would have run away with it instead of winning by one.

Did you see Jerry eating the winner’s oysters in New Orleans? What if every tournament started celebrating with food instead of an ugly jacket? For winning the Sony Open in Hawaii you’d get a bite of pineapple. The FBR would serve up tortilla soup. At Bay Hill maybe you could take a sip of an Arnold Palmer. The Nelson would be cooking up some chicken fried steak, and of course the Masters would be dishing out humble pie. I think this idea has legs.

Way to go Jerry! And you can have my share of the oysters.

All the talk is about Tiger returning to Quail Hollow this week. If you recall he was the defending champion and pulled out because of his knee. To fill the void our boy Anthony Kim stepped up to the plate and put his first one in the win column.

For the last few years Quail Hollow (with a new logo) has had a list of who’s who as winners and this year field looks strong. By the way, in addition to playing in this week’s tournament Tiger is also playing next week at the Players, which will be the first time he’s played back-to-back tournaments in almost a year.

The next big test for Tiger and all the rest will be the U.S. Open at badass Bethpage Black course the middle of June.  I haven’t heard if Tiger intends to play another gig before then, but five weeks seems like a long time between dances, doesn’t it?

Be sure to watch the Outside The Ropes: Anthony Kim video on PGA.com. He is a really cool guy who says all he does is watch TV.  He says wants his own reality show so he can show the other side of being a professional golfer; the other side being non-golf, hanging out with his buddies and having fun. It’s must see TV for me. 

In case you didn’t see it, and millions and millions of people didn’t, Tom Lehman and Bernhard Langer captured the Liberty Mutual Legends of Golf in a sudden death playoff. Check out their failed chest-bump. They even fanned the high-five.

And speaking of nobody is watching, South Africa’s Garth Mulroy earned his first ever win down in South Georgia and took home $112,500, which is a lot more than I made last week, but almost the same as the guys who finished out of the top ten on the big tour made. No need to take up a collection for either of these guys; besides, if there is any collecting going on I’d like to sign up.

If you enjoyed the Rocco and Tiger show at last year’s U.S. Open, wouldn’t it be fun to see a Kenny Perry and Tiger show at Bethpage? However, the word from the buffet line is that Angel Cabrera is going back for seconds.

By the way, I’d like to thank everyone who suggested various new nicknames for me. All of them were funny. Some were even clean. Right now the leader in the clubhouse is “Diving Pig”, which is in reference to Ralph the famous diving pig who stared at the fancy water park in San Marcos, Texas.  In case you’re wondering, the equally famous Molly Ivans called Ralph the Diving Pig the Greg Louganis of Porkerdom.

I can only hope to receive such accolades.

I am old enough to remember when John McEnroe was the number one tennis player in the world.  Tennis was hot and it was great fun to watch him and Jimmy Connors go at it. From 1980 until 1985 McEnroe, Connors and some guy named Borg took turns as the world’s number one. In 1986, the pressures of playing at the top became too much for McEnroe and he took a six-month break from the tour. It was during this sabbatical that he married Tatum O’Neal and started having babies. When he returned to the tour later in 1986, he won three titles, but he was never able to recapture the greatness he once displayed. In 1987, McEnroe failed to win a title for the first time since turning pro. He took a seven-month break from the game following the US Open, where he was suspended for misconduct and verbal abuse. Imagine that. The McEnroe magic was gone and would never return.

Perhaps the most dominating American high Jumper of the twentieth century, Dwight Stones, revealed in an interview a few years ago that because he received bonus money every time he broke the world record he decided that he would only raise the bar and the world record a few centimeters each time in order to maximize his bonus money.  Consequently, when he was capable of jumping as high as he could he never did, and by the time he figured out that his place in history was to jump as high as he could he was no longer capable. The Dwight Stones magic was gone and would never return.

There are many examples in sports where people at the top of their game took time off by choice or because of injury, or like Dwight Stones and a thousand others, wasted golden opportunities. Whatever happened to Marcus Dupree?  

I’m not here to tell you that Tiger’s time off and his failure to win the Masters is foretelling the beginning of the end, but stranger things have happened.

Excuse me for being selfish about my sports heroes, but I don’t believe that taking time off, getting married, and raising babies is the ideal training regiment for greatness. And having a zillion bucks in the bank can cause some to lose focus, I’m told.  Granted, Tiger is an exceptional athlete, and before the knee injury he may have been invincible. But if I recall, Bo Jackson was also invincible… in two sports.

Tiger’s win at Bay Hill was big and removed a lot of the pressure.  But as big as it was it pales when compared to the importance of Tiger winning another major.

But what if he doesn’t?

The truth is, winning at Bay Hill is not enough and winning the Player won’t be either. The PGA’s incredible success over the last ten years was built on Tiger’s greatness and a really good Tiger isn’t good enough. We buy tickets to see Michael Jordan and Babe Ruth not Brian Gay. We want Elvis not Billy Ray Cyrus. Greatness is not to be toyed with. It is a religion. It is a gift from the gods to be worn like a crown. The dues of greatness are the fame and fortune that steals your anonymity and requires that you be nice to children even if you don’t like the little buggers. Greatness is hard, but there’s not one great athlete who would trade almost anything for just one more day of greatness.

I don’t claim to be a sports physiologist (although I’m better than Rene Russo of Tin Cup fame); however, the one thing that I do know is that the difference between good and great is as thin as a Ben Hogan smile.

When Bill Parcells was coaching the Dallas Cowboy he was asked if his 9 and 7 team was better than its record, and he replied, “You are what you are.” Using the Tuna’s measuring stick, is Tiger better than his tie for sixth at the Masters?

Chances are he is, but I could use a golf miracle or two over the next few months just to remind me.

Golf is not overrun with nicknames unless you count Tiger, the Golden Bear, Slammin’ Sammy, Fuzzy, Montie, Lefty, Fluff, the Squire, Boom-Boom, the Walrus, Lumpy, El Nino, Squeeky, the Great White Shark, Chi Chi, the Big Easy, Woosie, Phil The Thrill, All Day Gay, Zinger, 3D, the Mechanic, J Row, Double D, Popeye, Spiderman, the Bulldog, Yogi, Mr. November, Boo, Volcano, Crime, Sunshine, Shoulders, Boss of the Moss, the Italian Bandit and the Smiling Assassin.

Can you figure out who’s who?

There are also some nicknames golf should steal, like Pretty Boy Trevor Immelman, Lucky Angel Cabrera, Mad Dog Hunter Mahan, Baby Face Sean O’Hair, Machine Gun Tommy Gainey, Bugsy Woody Austin, Big Nose Jim Furyk, Magic Padraig Harrington and He Hate Me Hank Kuehne.

Which brings us to my nickname “Bogey”, which is far more accurate that most of the nicknames above. But accuracy is as overrated as my game, and since it’s my nickname I have chosen to reject it on several levels.

First, because the truth can often be cruel, and I know you don’t want to hurt my feelings.

Second, the nickname “Bogey” has become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and frankly no one bogeys every hole, not even me.

Third, last Saturday I had a birdie and several pars, yet no one calls me Sam “Birdie”, or Sam “Par”. Can you spell double standard?

Fourth, I don’t look like a “Bogey”. Granted, I talk like a 2, dress like a 10 and play like a 20, still if I were to pass you on the street “Bogey” would not come to mind, which leads to my final point.

Five, I hate the nickname “Bogey”. It reminds me of the time a friend of mine told me that he named his newborn son after me, you guessed it; they named the kid Dumb Ass.

I remember when a certain San Francisco newspaper ran a contest to give Joe Montana a nickname. Thankfully someone pointed out that when your name is Joe Montana you don’t really need a nickname. Let’s see what should we call Johnny Unitas?

Still, nicknames are important. Sonny and Cherilyn LaPiere doesn’t really have the same ring as Congressman Bono and Cherilyn LaPiere. Would Theodore Kaczynski be just another bomber without the nickname Unabomber?

So I come to you name-badge in hand looking for a new nickname and all suggestions will be considered. My new nickname should be descriptive yet playful like The Big Easy.  It’s important that it also be memorable like Slammin’, which goes well with my name but is already taken. Something lyrical might work like Slinging Sammy Baugh, or perhaps I should go for intimidating like the Old Gray Shark? My wife suggested Full of It, and Hot Air, but she was just kidding wasn’t she?

Give me your best shot, and remember, Dumb Ass is already taken.

I don’t know why I love this game. I really don’t. It gives me more pain than pleasure more often than not. It allows me to flirt with perfection, then breaks my heart when I hit the ground a foot behind the ball.

It’s a game of both power and finesse that whispers in my ear, “You’re still young” when nothing could be further from the truth.

It’s a game of sport played by sportsmen who sometimes wager a dollar or two.  It’s been known to make preachers cuss like sailors, women to dress like men, and men to act like babies. Still, it is a game of honor where people call penalties on themselves while negotiating for an extra stroke or two on the next wager.

Golf is played in some of the most beautiful places in the world. Historic places with names like Pinehurst, Pebble Beach, Carnoustie, St. Andrews and of course Augusta. But it’s also played and enjoyed in Mesquite, Texas with fairways as flat as tortillas and not so perfect greens. It’s an equal opportunity heartbreaker.

According to YouTube, golf was invented in Scotland by Robin Williams, but the truth is golf has existed for at least 500 years because James II of Scotland, in an Act of Parliament dated March 6, 1457, had golf and football banned because these sports were interfering too much with archery practice sorely needed by the loyal defenders of the Scottish realm!

Technology has done wonders for the average golfer but practice, dedication and raw talent still remain a factor I’m told. That same average golfer carries, or more accurately straps to a golf cart, 14 clubs, only about half of which he can actually hit. We wear spiked shoes, one glove and far too much tartan and argyle. The way I figure, golf is as good an excuse as any to dress like a pimp.

Golf has evolved from old white guys smoking cigars to sleek young men and women from a hundred different cultures, in a variety of sizes and colors, wearing white belts and farmer tans. They are bigger, stronger and yes better than Bobby, Byron, Ben, Arnie and Jack.

Golf is one of the few games I can think of with a dress code and for some reason I like that. It is a hodgepodge of game faces and giggles, and I don’t know why I love the game. It’s expensive; the clubs, the tee-times, the lessons, the memberships, and the argyle clothes add up fast. Not to mention the beer and bets.

So what is it that makes me return again and again after quitting a hundred times? What makes me set the alarm early? Why do I suffer through the rain, wind and cold only to have my heart broken again and again?

It’s hard to explain, especially to a non-golfer. But golf is like the girl that done you wrong, and you’re hoping she’ll do you wrong just one more time.

Remember the joke about the hillbilly who holds the gun on the guy and forces him to drink the moonshine, then hands the gun to the guy and says now hold it on me while I take a drink. That’s what golf is like.

It’s hard to figure out why I love golf. Perhaps it’s because I know that somewhere the azaleas are in bloom, the greens and fairways are freshly cut and golf hearts are smiling. It’s Masters week and I know why I love this game… don’t you?

Finding those Masters tickets hard to come by? You should know that in 2008, the Masters began allowing children to enter on tournament days for free when accompanied by an adult (with a ticket).

Tickets for the Masters are not crazy expensive, they are just incredibly hard to come by. Even the practice round tickets are difficult to get. Applications for practice round tickets have to be made a year in advance and the successful applicants are chosen by random ballot. Tickets to the actual tournament are sold only to members of a patrons list, which is closed.

But once you have your tickets you need to arrive prepared with a little Masters history and trivia. For example did you know that Bobbie Jones played in 12 Masters and never cracked the top-ten? How about the fact that for the first five years the Masters was named the Augusta National Invitational Tournament because Bobby Jones thought the Masters was presumptuous?

Farmers and animal lovers will be glad to know that due to WWII the Masters was not played in 1943, 1944 or 1945. However, to help out with the war effort cattle and turkeys were raised on the grounds.

In 1949 Sam Snead was the first winner to receive a green jacket. You know the one Arnold Palmer and Tiger have four of. Jack Nicklaus has six of them. He was also the first guy to defend his title, which meant he had to present a green jacket to himself.  Jack is also the oldest winner in the tournament's history (46 in '86). In 1997, Tiger Woods became the youngest when he won the Masters by twelve shots at age 21, in the process breaking the tournament four-day scoring record that had stood for 32 years.

The total prize money for the 2008 tournament was $7,500,000, with $1,350,000 going to the winner. First year winner Horton Smith received $1,000. After Jack’s first win in 1963, he received $20,000, and after his final victory in 1986 he won $144,000.

Did you know the green jacket is only allowed to be removed from Augusta National by the reigning champion during the first year, after which it must remain at the club? However, Gary Player refused to return his jacket after his 1961 victory. And except for one time at a Halloween Party in Cape Town, he claims that he has never worn the jacket since.

The Champions’ dinner was first held in 1952, hosted by defending champion Ben Hogan, to honor the past champions of the tournament. Officially known as the "Masters Club," it includes only past winners of the Masters, although selected members of the Augusta National Golf Club have been included as honorary members. The defending champion, as host, selects the menu for the dinner. Over the years, one of the most notable dishes was haggis, served by Scotsman Sandy Lyle.

Under the heading of what took you so long, Lee Elder became the first African-American to qualify for the Masters in 1975. It would be another fifteen years before Augusta National admitted its first black member.

Speaking of old white guys running things, up until 1982 all players in the Masters were required to use the services of an Augusta National Club caddie, who by club tradition was always an African-American.

And while we are at it, Gary Player, the coat snatcher, became the first non-American to win the Masters in 1961 beating Arnold Palmer, the defending champion. In 1974 he won again by two strokes. After not winning a tournament for four years, and at the age of 42, Player won his third and final Masters in 1978 by one stroke over three players.

Under the heading of longer and stronger, ten years ago the course measured approximately 6925 yards from the Masters tees. It was lengthened to 7270 yards for 2002, and again in 2006 to 7445 yards.  The greens are bentgrass and the bunkers are white feldspar.

One last thing, if you thought you might play a round at Augusta after the tournament, you know, just to get the feel of the place, you should know that they don’t allow jeans and you are not allowed to bring your own beer.

There’s a line in Wayne’s World where Garth says to Wayne, “Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?” to which Wayne answered “No” and Garth quickly follows with “Neither did I. I was just asking.”

That pretty much explains golfers and man crushes.

Who hasn’t thought about Trevor Immelman in a dress and then quickly answered the question “Neither did I.” That doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re gay, not that there is anything wrong with that.

Really, I don’t think a man crush is a gay thing. A man crush is more accurately categorized as cool envy and it is the force from which all life flows. It starts as soon as we are old enough to understand that the cool guys get all the good stuff, including the girls. Cool envy affects how you dress, how you talk and even how you play the game.

Remember the Johnny Miller look with the collar turned up? How about the David Duval’s Okleys?  Hark back to the mock-turtlenecks and how much better they look on Tiger than Mark Calcavecchia? Again, that doesn’t make you're gay; it simply makes you understand.

For the most part man crushes are misguided attempts to understand cool. Is it Freudian? Sure. Are we looking for cool in all the wrong places? Probably. Is everybody in the same boat? Most definitely.

Everyone can’t feel as ugly, insecure and awkward as I do; but the truth is they do. Even Tiger is not sure he’ll ever be as cool as Michael Jordan and Elvis wanted to be James Dean. Like Michael Jackson’s nose job, it’s a question of perspective.

My man crushes range from envying Tiger’s swing to his biceps, but I also envy Fred Couples’ laidback attitude, real or not. I envy Arnold Palmer’s smile and how his army loves him. I envy that Greg Norman can wear that straw hat and still look cool. I have a man crush on Adam Scott’s youth, hair and the fact that he weights a paltry 175 pounds. I envy that K. J. Choi is always introduced as a former weightlifter. I am totally envious of the hyphen in Ian Baker-Finch’s name and Angel Cabrera’s place at the buffet table. I have a man crush on Luke Donald’s accent and the way David Feherty spells his last name.

On the other hand I’m glad I don’t have Jim Furyk’s nose and John Daly’s gambling habit.  Regular readers will know that I never envied anything about Phil Mickelson except maybe his wife. I like Kenny Perry’s down home style and Camilo Villegas’ flexibility. I’d like to go fishing with Boo Weekley, visit New Zealand with Phil Tataurangi, eat gumbo with David Toms, listen to Elvis with Shigeki Maruyama, and watch Slumdog Millionaire with Jeev Milkha Singh.

But what I really want to do is have a beer with all of them and listen to the stories and if that’s gay, then so be it.