I have heard some good golf jokes over the years have you?

I will get it started!

OK.. Let see if this works..

Father To Son A father spoke to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon, you will have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of anything else." He added, "But don't worry, it's perfectly normal...it's called golf."

I love this one!

It was a sunny Saturday morning and Freddie was beginning his pre-shot routine, while visualizing his upcoming shot a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker - " Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the Men's tee!"

Freddie was still deep in his extensive routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.chemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" />>>

Again the announcement rang out - " Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly move back to the MEN'S tee!"

Freddie had had enough! He breaks his stance, lowers his club back to the ground and shouts, " Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut the hell up and let me play my second shot?!"

Two men play up behind two women, one says “I#%92ll go up and ask if we can play through”

He comes back with eyes as big as saucers “maybe you#%92d better ask!” 

“Why?” 

“It#%92s my wife, playing with my girlfriend!  Neither one of them knows!” 

“I#%92ll take care of it!”...

He comes back with his eyes huge and says “Small world!”

GOLFER'S NIGHTMARE!

One chilly Saturday morning, I got up early, and put on my thermal underwear.
I dressed very quietly…didn#%92t want to wake the old bag. chemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" />>>

> >

I made my lunch, grabbed my golf clubs from the spare room, slipped out to the garage, quietly laid them in the truck, and headed out the driveway.>>

It was raining; I mean it was like a torrential down pour.
There was hail mixed in with the rain, and the wind was blowing at least 40 mph.>>

I got about half-way to the course, came to my senses, and turned that pickup around. A few minutes later, I pulled into the garage, went back into the house, and turned the TV on to the weather channel. I could see that it was going to be bad… all day long. >>

> >

I took the clubs out of the truck, stuck ‘em in the spare room, quietly undressed and slipped into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different type of 
activity on my mind, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

>>

To which she sleepily replied,
"I know sweetie...can you believe my stupid-*** husband is playing in this crap!"

:laugh:

forthefew (1/12/2007)

---

GOLFER'S NIGHTMARE!

One chilly Saturday morning, I got up early, and put on my thermal underwear.
I dressed very quietly…didn#%92t want to wake the old bag. chemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" />>>

> >

I made my lunch, grabbed my golf clubs from the spare room, slipped out to the garage, quietly laid them in the truck, and headed out the driveway.>>

It was raining; I mean it was like a torrential down pour.
There was hail mixed in with the rain, and the wind was blowing at least 40 mph.>>

I got about half-way to the course, came to my senses, and turned that pickup around. A few minutes later, I pulled into the garage, went back into the house, and turned the TV on to the weather channel. I could see that it was going to be bad… all day long. >>

> >

I took the clubs out of the truck, stuck ‘em in the spare room, quietly undressed and slipped into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different type of 
activity on my mind, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

>>

To which she sleepily replied,
"I know sweetie...can you believe my stupid-*** husband is playing in this crap!"

:laugh:

:w00t:

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance to meet the pope!

After standing in line for hours, he gets to the pope and says, " Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"

The Pope considers for a moment, and says," I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."

The next day the man returned to see the Pope to get the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope once again and he says, " My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could ever imagine and it is makes Augusta National look like a poor municipal course."

" That's incredible! What is the bad news?" asks the man.

" You have a 7:30am tee time tomorrow morning, " the Pope replies.

Golf Addict!

Your a GOLF-Adict if...

You think that some day you'll shoot your age, when a more realistic goal would be to shoot your weight!

You know there's more to life than golf, but your'e not interested in finding out what it is!

You quit the game forever, twice a month!

You buy every new golf gizmo that comes out!

You think you're skillful and everybody else is lucky!

You miss the ball, but still think it was a great swing!

The new clubs you just bough cost more than your mortgage and car payment combined!

You can't break a 100 but still think you could give Tiger a few tips!

Just in time for tax season....

How has the U.S. income tax system made golfers a little more respectable?

Will Rogers had the answer: "The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than Golf has."

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.



It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.



The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.



He ended up playing all eighteen of course, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... then he remembered his wife.



Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.



The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will more than likely be your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care. And you'll be her care giver!"



The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.



The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with ya. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"



:w00t:

Now that was the best that I have heard in a long time.  Great one, Luv'nLife.

HAHAHAHHA.....best joke here.  Very dark...but the best one.

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After eight, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but hooks his ball into the rough on the 9th.



"Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a two-stroke penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and drops it surreptitiously to the ground. "I've found it!" he announces triumphantly.



Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?"



"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"



"And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

I've just come across a different perspective on Golf from Jeff Foxworthy "You might be a redneck golfer if.."

You think "par" grows on a tree.
Your best pair of golf shoes used to be someone else's.
You keep a roll of duck tape in your bag.
You buy all your golf balls in egg cartons.
Someone mentions a skins game and you take your shirt off.
Caddies never work for you more than once.
You have the feathers to prove that you shot two birdies on the back nine.
You think the lift, clean and replace rule requires making adjustments in your jockey shorts.